I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
