so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
