areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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