Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
