Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
