It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
