Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
