She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
