do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
