Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
