Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I wish there were birth control emojis
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
