I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
