my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
