FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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