does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
