I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
