Fine. I'll sleep in my office
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
