Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
