Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You made out with two different species that night
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
