Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
