There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
