and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
