In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
