I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Say something about gay babies.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
