if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
