Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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