I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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