i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
