I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
We left the knife in your bed.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
