On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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