we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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