It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Randomize
