she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
