what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Randomize
