Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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