when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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