there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
ugly people sure do ruin things
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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