I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
