Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
