he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
