you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
