Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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