this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
