but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
