Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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