she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
