my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
