i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
