TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
