Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
